Celebrity Special Edition - White Beard, Red China

Without further delay, I am glad to introduce our first celebrity guest to Blonde Hair, Red China! A recent guest of mine, I have ask them to share their thoughts on this Communist country. He's saved lives, he's raised 4 kids, and he hasn't shaved his beard in 40 years..I bring you the eloquent thoughts of Mr. John B. Muuuuuueeellller:


"What you say here is so true.  China feels different. looks different and is different.  On arriving I was overwhelmed by the sense of disconnect I had with everyone around me.  I didn't know what all these people were thinking about when they got up in the morning and I had trouble attributing my set of values/motivations into there heads.   Maybe it was jet lag, but I was intrigued about what appeared to be a billion smiling faces,  Shop keepers, streetside vendors, the young men and women dressed in their white shirts and black suits on there way to work, they all appeared to be smiling and I didn't get it.  Did it come from the Buddah that sits in the temple up on the hill built by thousands of laborer that dumped the dirt by the bucketfull from the bottom of the lake they were building for the emperor.  I saw no reflection of religion on the streets that would suggest this.  Was it the sunshine that was present my week of visiting?  I had been told that Beijing could be cold and the sky grey.   Or was it simply that everyone knew that, as a whole, they are better off today then they were 15 years ago and the sense of national success just infuses the fabric of everyday life.   Is what I saw a bubble of prosperity waiting to burst.

The cynic in me would suggest that I was shown a false front.   After a few days in Beijing I considered the possibility that the Chinese government, as they prepared for the 2008 Olympics,  may have taken lessons from management down in Orlando  and I was still seeing the benefits of that effort.  The tourists spots are  painted, the gardens along the streets are planted, the weeds are gone, trash is out of sight  and the streets have been kept clean.  The only thing missing was Micky.  But as I said, that may be the cynic in me speaking.

The Chinese appear to have succeeding in learning the lessons of marketing 101.   Let me digress a moment and reflect on learning to ski.  Years ago, we took the kids to colorado to ski.  The mountain where we went had  a ski lift and you had to walk about 300 yards from the parking lot to the base of the lift before you could start your day.  Along the path there was a wooden structure "the ski school" , a place to rent skis and a small cafeteria.  That is all you needed because we were there to go skiing.   The walk was long but it was pretty and thru some woods and over a creek and it was about the outdoors.

Now, when we go back,  the walk is lined with condominiums, high end sporting good stores, small cafes and coffee shops as well as western themed artists gallery's and boutique clothing stores.  At the end of the walk you get to the same ski lift and mountain, but the experience is different.

What does this have to do with China you might ask.  Well China like the ski resort has placed the commercial activities front and center.  When we went to the great wall to hike along the mountainous ridges, be found the same things we found outside our mountain back home.  At the base of the mountain, there was a recently built paved road, lined with recently built cafes and shops selling art, and food and the exact same China memorabilia we found in Xi'an or the forbidden city.  The great wall hasn't changed in the last 30 years, but the experience has.  Buying a Teeshirt that declares "I hiked the great wall"  no longer seemed appealing, the adventure is gone.  Beijing was very similar.  We walked thru Tiananmen square past Mao's mausoleum and the great hall of the people to a market.  Beijing is known for these markets and we were going to one of the oldest commercial markets in the city, Qianmen Dajie.   This ancient street is lined by  quaint "hutangs", small alleys along the outside the neighborhoods of walled-off courtyards and homes or along the outside walls of ancient monasteries and parks and temples.  The alleys are a hotbed of commerce that  sell everything you need.  Shoes, dumplings, food on a stick, shirts and scarves, hats and gloves.  

As we walked along the dajie we stopped at a a small restaurant and looked at the shops that lined the street as we approached the hutang.  As I sat there I looked at the stores,  there was H&M, Nike Express, Rolex and other names I recognized all in English lettering above the Chinese Characters.  And I even found Micky, not the Orlando Micky with the big ears, but MickyD selling his big macs to the world.  I finished my drink and Celeste captured the moment, a weary traveling seeking comfort in an exotic locale.

 I started out suggesting that I didn't know what was going on inside the minds of everyone I saw, but once I arrived home and the fog of travel lifted, I had a better perspective on what I was experiencing.  The discordance I felt was mine.  Meeting my friends and coworkers I realized that I knew what was on the minds of those billion smiling faces, it was the same thing that was behind the faces here at home.  Experiencing China was like taking a Rorschach test.  What you see or don't see says more about the observer then what is being observed.   It is both a window to the world outside as well as an entry to the world within.  Most of all it is a window worth looking thru."

onlystupidpeoplesaywhat? pt. 1

In Beijing, destinations are often quite far away (upwards of 10km), and sometimes it seems that there is no real 'map' of the city. Even cab drivers don't always know where certain streets are, so it is best to know exactly where you are going. You can learn how pack yourself into a subway and feel the strange sensation of being one small part of a mass of people that is also riding the train or resign yourself to a taxi and possibly subject yourself to one of Beijing's five-beltway like roads. These 'ring roads' almost exactly mirror the Capital Beltway at 7am or 6pm any day of the week..3pm works also..and so does 10pm on some Sunday evenings. Nevertheless, taxi is a quite common form of transportation, and acquiring one can often be quite a struggle in a city of 17.5 million people. When it's rainy, stay inside or you will wait for hours. When it's cold, stay inside or you might wait for hours. Most surprisingly, besides rain, the worst time might be the time when taxis are needed the most. When people get off work, don't even try to flag on. Strangely enough, taxi drivers get off at the same time as the rest of Beijing. So as you are preparing yourself to get home, your driver is also. Thus when taxis are most needed, we find the largest shortage.

An incident like this makes you wonder, 'What idiot thought of that policy?' What nincompoop called for a supply shock simultaneous to an increase in demand? It's terrible, but 'Whatever, it's China!' There are enough of these bizarre, head-scratching incidents that as a Westerner/Ex-pat/Foreigner you can share an entire meal discussing how they would be simply solved. Alas, things are different this side of Constantinople. So for this blog post I thought it would be appropriate to share some of these quagmires:

1) A touch back to a previous post. In the US, and many other countries around the world. We understand that on an escalator you stand on the right and walk of the left. Simple enough, we all get where we are going. That doesn't apply here. In fact, the simple norm of walking on the right side of anything road/path/lane does not exist. It is a free for all. Whatever direction you go you are (see last post) a salmon walking upstream. There is no escape. Their minds are geared to get directly from point A to point B. Straight to it. Which brings me to point 2.

2) Gridlock is normal. It's widely accepted. Everyone wants to get theirs, and like the metro, or a bus coming down from the rice terraces, there is always room to squeeze one more person on or car through an intersection. Even when it's not possible. I imagine the opening scene in office space where Peter, in his car, helplessly watches a man using a walker race by him while he sits in a traffic jam on the way to work. Instead of becoming creative, and maybe take a backstreet (which aren't exactly small alleyways), they must take the big street! Point A to point B! Straight line! No creativity!

3) Jam packed on the subway the other day, I was so happy to arrive at a transfer point. About 3/4 of all the people in my car got off. The car next to me unloaded only about 1/3 of their people. These cars are all open and are not separated. So while I was enjoying my newfound free space, I was staring into the car next to me, wondering why the sardines had not started migrating into open space. This is one of the rare times when I was happy the Chinese can sometime appear to be 'a little slow'. Not all of it can be blamed on cultural differences.

4) Some things just make no sense at all. Example no. 1 - I had some delicious Beijing Duck for lunch today. My friend had a coupon, given to him by the restaurant, and was told to present it next time. We get the bill and tell them not to forget about the coupon we presented. Oh wait, problem! After hearing some incomprehensible Chinese, I understand 'use it next time you come'. My friend Sami has a simple solution to this problem. He looks at the waiter very solemnly and says 很好 which is the equivalent of saying 'its good' and 现在, meaning now. Usually effective, the waiter was unphased and sent another worker to deal with us. Apparently the problem is that the coupon was for a duck that was more expensive than the one we ordered....so the problem is that we are not saving enough money? I don't get it, we are full, they profit, all's well.

5) Babies piss and shit everywhere. Literally everywhere: shopping streets, on my campus, at bus stops outside the restaurants. It's all fair game. They even have babies wear pants with no butt so they can poop immediately. Or not even wear pants at all! It's just easier that way.

6) This issue is currently the most pertinent on everyone's minds. And it will be for the next 2 weeks. So in Beijing right now, the temperature is at a mild 0 degrees Celsius (32 Fahrenheit). It started dropping in early October and has not gone up since. I fear January and February...or do I. At least by that point, the government will allow the heat to be turned on. I kid you not, we do not have heat. It's not even funny enough to add a ! I'm so totally serious. It has been 4, 5, and 0 degrees the past 3 days, and we haven't had head. We haven't had heat since last winter, in fact. I'm in my room right now wearing jeans, socks, shoes, t-shirt, sweater, sweatshirt, jacket, and 2 hats and I'm freezing. My hands are the only thing uncovered because I can't type in while wearing mittens! And it even hurts to bend my knuckles. Sometimes I think it's warmer outside than it is in my room. I fear getting out of bed. This is a serious problem. The heat doesn't come on until Nov. 15. that's over two more weeks of possibly freezing temperatures....literally freezing! 0 C = 32 F = Freezing! I've never been more happy to drink hot tea with every meal.

I will leave you with several photos as usual. One is using thermal imaging, and just remember that red, or green means heat, other colors do not.

Bleu Marine - probably the best steak in town - I believe it considering I first saw this sign 8 years ago and it's still around

I wasn't joking.

 Only in China.

 Thermal imaging, blue = cold.

What I wore while writing this blog entry.

Miss all of you and central heating even more. Our class discussion today went over what heating techniques we used in our home countries. Central heating, fireplaces, it was alll so cruel. Until next time!

National Inefficiency Holiday

Afternoon, many of you are sleeping right now, it is 3:30 am EST, meanwhile I am passing the time until I have dinner tonight with both of my parents and Susan/Sabrina Orlins. I would like to first apologize for the interminable delay between posts, I hope I have not lost many readers. It has been, for the past 2 weeks, a vacation of many sorts. For the period from Sept. 30 - Oct. 10 there was a holiday to celebrate the founding of the PRC on Oct. 1, 1949. I would like to note an interesting fact about Chinese holidays. There are times when you are given extra days off, say the Thursday before a Friday to extend the holiday, but in exchange you are forced to work that Sunday. Bizarre, I know. Us students are also subjected to this backwards logic and in vain tried to argue our case. Nonetheless, 'This is how we do it in our country'.

Otherwise, the vacation was quite nice. Sabrina Orlins and I made our way by of a 24-hour sleeper train to Guilin, Guangxi Province, China. The original plan was to train down Thursday night, stay in Guilin until Sunday at which point we would take a boat down the Li River to Yangshuo, Guangxi Province and enjoy ourselves until Wednesday when we would return to Guilin and catch a Wednesday evening train home. I emphasize, 'the original plan'. I later found out that at this time last year an estimated 57 million people travelled within China.

The day I went to buy the train tickets at the station, I was curtly informed that you cannot purchase train tickets until 11 days in advance. I patiently waited and at the appropriate time followed up. What I did not realize was that all of China was going to take a train this holiday. I waited in line for 30 minutes only to be told they had no tickets left. The next day I went back and found out that, in fact, there were Friday morning tickets available, but no sleepers. That same day, Sabrina asked near her apartment and purchased 2 sleeper tickets for Friday night. Makes no sense, I know. Friday we train down to Guilin, and when we get off, we immediately go to buy return tickets. Unfortunately Oct. 5, 6, 7 were all sold out of tickets completely. We tried to get a ticket agency to help us, but they replied it was too crazy during the holiday. Dejected, we decided to check into our hostel. We arrive to the news that they have overbooked and we have lost a room, regardless of the fact that I have already paid a deposit on my credit card..what can they do? kick out other guests who reserved rooms? Exasperated, we agree to let them room us at some other hostel owned by the same guy. Large room, mattress like a board, but good location. We book a trip to the LongJi Rice Terraces the next day (Dragon's Backbone, very famous) for 8 am. Our bus arrives at 845. We arrive at the terraces at 11, wait until 1215 to take one of their buses up the mountain. The bus takes....2 1/2 hours to go up the side of this mountain. On the way down we find that normally it takes a mere 20 minutes to drive down. The problem was that on this skinny mountainside road, people began to park their cars and walk because the lot was full and it turned a 2-lane road into a 3-lane road by necessity. But the road was only 2 1/2 cars wide. Chaos ensued. We proceeded to walk the last 1km or so. Once there we lost our guide in the large crowd and eventually had to convince them to let us in without a ticket. We searched this mountainside/alpine town for our group while taking some great photos of beautiful scenery. Eventually we turned into a random restaurant and voila! there they were. Unfortunately in 20 minutes time we had to turn down to not miss the bus. So we kept hiking up, never made it to the very top, but found some easily appreciable views from the path. Once we reached the bottom, promptly at 430, we waited for our bus. Somehow we waited 45 minutes and got onto the last bus possible. We transformed a 15 passenger bus into a 43-passenger bus. I counted 3 times because I couldn't believe myself.

That night, we give in a extend our vacation 2 days. I'm now leaving on Friday night, Sabrina Friday morning by plane. We had no other option. I was forced to ride a 27-hour train, no sleeper, just a hard seat that didn't recline, surrounded by tens of students who had purchased standing room only. That is a story for another time.

Finally we get to take our much anticipated boat down the Li River to Yangshuo. What could be more picturesque than rafting down a river surrounded by majestic limestone peaks? How about rafting down the river with maybe 100 other boats in sight at all times? If you guessed so you're absolutely right. It was packed, and in these 4 person boats, the slightest wave caused a spray to splash all over the deck. It looked like I pissed myself by the end. I was not happy. The bus from Xingping to Yangshuo was much nicer, it again was 43 people, but this time at least the bus was originally for 20 people, not 15..

Yangshuo was actually an amazing town, and things there were gorgeous. If anyone ever visits this side of the world, I recommend going. Its close to Thailand and Vietnam, so you can alwasy tack it on the side of your trip. However don't go during Chinese National Holiday. First of all, it was so packed that any direction you walk, it's like youre a salmon walking upstream. Fighting the current of Chinese people, you can easily see your destination over their mini-selves, but its so ahrd to reach it. They havne't evolved to the 'walk on the right side of the st' part yet. You walk straight, wherever you want to go, and stop wherever you want to stop. Maybe that is why the traffic in Asia is the way it is. Secondly, if you don't absolutely know where you are going, its a problem. People have never heard of certain street names besides the large ones (this applies to all over China), maps are not what they appear to be (this applies to all over China), they are not reliable with telling you the time or distance it takes to get somewhere (this is true all over China), and many of the phone numbers on websites are not up to date (this is common with all companies in China). In short, we couldn't find our hostel for maybe 45 minutes. Just holding our bags, walking upstream with a map out. God I hate having a map out. Although I did find a great cure for these horrible, pissy moods that China inefficiency Holiday put me into - Gin and Tonics.

All in all, Yangshuo and Guilin were a great trip. We rode our bikes into the countryside 20 km through rice paddies, sesame fields, cotton fields, etc., went rock climbing up some awesome crags, saw an agricultural wonder of the world, and met some cool people. But it is striking that I have, and have left out so much, detailed my trip through episodes of chaos and ineptitude. It makes sense seeing that China is a country of 1.3 billion people. But it is stark evidence of the lack of infrastructure that its evident in many places all over the country. One thing I did learn, however, is the ability to shrug it off and say 'Whatever, it's China'.

I leave you with some photos of my journey, not the best, but the ones I have on my computer for now:

rice terraces

mountainside village at the rice terraces

rafting on the li river

view from the roof of my hostel in yangshuo

lunch spot during the bike trip

water buffalo during bike trip

you tell me, does it look like an elephant?